Bad Toilet Paper and the Nether Ye – A Rant

So this is just a personal rant.

Yesterday, I mentioned that I would be at a conference this week in Indianapolis. The hotel where all the conference-goers are staying is a pretty nice (albeit typical) place – think of your average Day’s Inn or Best Western.

Well one of the typical features of this typical hotel is the bathroom toilet paper.

It’s awful.

This is a pet peeve of mine, because really, if there’s a place where care and thought should be taken, it’s in what you rub up against your nether ye.

I mean, come on. When you’re forced to use bad toilet paper, it’s like rubbing sandpaper, back and forth, on one of the more delicate parts of the body. And this after you just pushed a couple of nasty, likely toxic, fecal logs through there. Your anus does this (literally) shitty job for you and then how do you thank it? By grating it like a block of cheese.

Sphincter2

Not cool.

Now I get it. Budget hotels can’t splurge, but here’s the deal. I’d totally go for a lower quality of towel or a smaller TV. I’d even trade less fluffy pillows for better toilet paper because again, we’re talking about how we treat our ass hole! We need to take care of that orifice because it has the shittiest job of any external body part and we should treat it with some respect and care!

And here’s the other thing about good toilet paper. You don’t need as much of the good stuff to get the job done. With the cheap stuff, you have to wipe and wipe and wipe and while you know you’ve left some klingons down there, you eventually stop wiping because you’re creating so much friction that you’re not sure if the burning sensation you feel is from raw skin or actual fire.

Good toilet paper? One or two wipes and you’re done. The soft stuff picks up more… um, stuff and so you don’t need nearly as much. And on top of that…

Sphincter3

So come on, hotel chains, you always talk about wanting to treat your customers right. Well that means treating (our) assholes with care, not with grit.

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